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Jun 06, 2017

Hyundai v. Kia

Hyundai vs. Kia


Are you trying to decide between getting a Hyundai vs. a Kia? Great. Cool. Okay. So here’s what you going to do: buy a Japanese car.

I’m not kidding. If you buy a Hyundai you’ve condemned yourself to a future of silver plastic and shapeless chrome grilles and shitty jingles that you can’t turn off. If you buy a Kia, basically ditto except the plastic is black, because Kia thinks they’re fucking sporty.

Name a Korean car and there’s a better version being made by Honda—if you’ve got money and, you know, character—or by Toyota—if you’re a fan of plain, whole-grain toast with nothing on it.

Hell, even the Elantra looks and drives like a discount Chevy Cruze—and when you find yourself behaving like a discount version of anything American, it’s time to relocate your design team to a very deep hole and start again.

There’s nothing bad about Hyundais or Kias. They’re fine. But you’re making a $10,000+ investment. Are you looking for fine?

Fuck no you’re not. You’ve got a little style and a little verve, so you want a Honda—the Accord Sport is quick. Or otherwise you’ve got an insatiable BMW M-car fetish and you ache for something responsible but with vibrant stitching basically everywhere, so you buy a Toyota Corolla. Nothing creaks, nothing jutters, nothing chimes blandly as if you’re booting up some knockoff version of Windows.

And when you pull up at Jim Corner-Office’s house for dinner one night your shitty Hyundai won’t become a punchline shorthand for being cheap and tasteless; instead, he’ll come out to the curb and say, “Wow, this is a Honda?” And next time you have to go to some team-building spiritual retreat he’ll suggest they take your CR-V, and everyone will appreciate you and secretly be a little jealous, except for Linda’s going to track a ton of sand into the back seats and Derek the office donkey is going to sit on his Twix bar and it’s going to melt into the seats, and actually maybe you’re better off getting an Kia Sportage or something so people just leave you well enough alone.